Confusion & Convictions

Have you ever felt like you don't know where to turn in life? That's where I am now. I'm constantly stressed out. I feel like I have completely lost my relationship with God. I'm always wondering about my future. And my past is haunting me. This sucks.

I stress out way more than anyone. But I'm such a calm person that no one would ever know unless they asked me. I've been stressing out over anything and everything like buying a car, getting a new job, trying to keep my current job going, trying to maintain a relationship with my family and with Taylor, trying to find time to help around the house. Everything. I also stress out over stupid petty things. It's all so hard.

I feel like God is pretty much non-existant in my life right now. This is probably the most lost I have ever been. But instead of trying to fix my relationship with Him, I decided to be selfish can continue doing what I was doing. Worst. Decision. Ever. Now, I'm confused and don't know which way to turn. I slid so far back that I've forgotten how to have a relationship with Him. Two weeks ago, I was the first down at the alter in church. This has never happened because I usually feel judged. But that day, I did not care would saw. I went. I felt so much better when I got up. I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a while. But a few days later, my demons returned and they decided to bring me down and steal my joy. And I let them. And now I'm here writing about how lost I am.

I sometimes wonder about my future. I've always felt like there was an imaginary timeline that I had to follow. You know the "People expected me to do this at this point in my life" timeline. Or I expected the same things. I'm not sure. But I do know that I'm 24 and not married, I still haven't graduated college yet, and I still don't have a place of my own. I feel so far behind.

My past has been rearing it's ugly head lately. Little does a few people know, I have a past I'm not proud of. A past that includes sex, alcohol, and a few tame drugs. All of this started about the time I turned 16. Then by the time I was 19, I was getting wasted in bars with people I thought were friends who later turned the backs to me. But that's a different story for a different day. But it didn't stop then. I continued. When I was 22, I got so drunk that I didn't remember my name or where I was. I just know I was in a bar. It was horrible and I hope I never do that again. Drugs haven't really been a probably for me in the past few years. But sex, it's reared it's ugly head in the past few years. I lost my virginity at a relatively young age to someone I never should have. I've never really had sex since then, I've messed around with people but never full on sex since then. But within the past few years porn, conversations, and fantasizing have been my best friends. Which is horrible. I'm not wanting to have sex again before marriage unless I know they're the right person. I just want it all to stop. But some some reason, I always give into my demons and continue. I wish I knew how to quit. But I don't. This is not who I am and I won't become it.

Pretty much it all boils down to, I hate myself. And I don't know how to fix it. I also hate that I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost God and my past won't leave me alone. My relationship with my family and Taylor are both crumbling because I don't like myself so I unintentionally shut out people that love and care for me. I don't mean to. It just happens. I need to stop doing that. We accept the love we think we deserve. And I don't love myself enough right now to let anyone else love me. Which is very unfair to others.

So, if you pray. Please put me on your list. Please. I need all the prayers I can get.

This is not a plea for help. I'm not doing anything drastic to endanger myself or the well-being of others. I just need prayers and to rekindle to flame that I once had with God so that I can get myself together.

My life is crazy.

Seriously. My life is insane.

My brother got a call earlier this morning from my grandmother. She was letting us know that our mother is back in the mental ward of the hospital. My mother has Paranoid Schizophrenia. Most people hear the word "schizophrenia" and automatically assume that she has multiple personalities. That's not actually true. That's not even what schizophrenia is. My mother interprets reality differently than everyone else. And her's is a little more severe than others since it is mixed with paranoia. Meaning, her thought process is heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. So, pretty much, my mom can get so worked up over something that she goes crazy and lands herself in the nut house. (Let's just call it what it is.) The crazy part is the first time she was institutionalized was the month before I was born. (Or so I'm told.) Even worse, she's been in and out of institutions 27 times. Keep in mind, I'm not even 24 yet. My mom is crazy. Legally crazy. People often tell me I'm wrong because of the way I see my mother. She may have given birth to me, but she will never be my mom. Just the woman that birthed me. Sure, I have a relationship with my mother, but it's different than most mother-son relationships. Do I love my mother? Absolutely! But my grandmother (my dad's mom) is the one who raised me. My grandmother is my mom. And no one can change the way I see that. We're gonna go to Georgia in the next few days to see my mother and the rest of the family.  

On a slightly happier note, I got a new job! I'm no longer at JCPenney. (Hallelujah!) I'm now at Reed's Jeweler's. Finally, a job that pays well. But somehow, I'm always still broke. Haha. But I can pay my bills. There's that, right? I want out of retail with everything in me. But I guess if I'm still stuck in it, the jewelry business isn't so bad.

I still do not have a vehicle. It sucks. But right now, there really isn't anything I can do about it. I had some money towards a down payment but I loaned it to a friend and I never saw him or that money again. He even lived with us! But that's okay. He can keep the money and I'll keep his gun and I'll have a great time hunting this upcoming season.

We moved a couple months ago out of our old house into a house on twenty acres. We started out with no electricity or water. Let me explain. We bought 20 acres in a different part of down and dropped a double wide on it until we can build a better house. We didn't realize that we'd be living in it so soon. Why did we do it? Because the person who is buying our old house needed to be in a house with a land line phone because someone in their family is now on house arrest. So, we went ahead and let them move in and we moved out. As much as most people would think it sucks, it was kinda cool. It's kinda like camping. Except, in your own house. Okay. Fine. It was kinda strange looking back on it. But I'm still alive. There's that, right? It was kinda nice to be away from the world for a while. Even though I did mentally shut down for two days because I was tired of "camping". (That was not my ideal camping situation, okay! It was a tease!) We have both power and water now. So, don't worry. Our house is fully functional and has been for a couple months.

My brother and sister-in-law opened up a store. It's eventually going to be like Plato's closet, but better. They're going to have clothes, kid's clothes, furniture, toys, small appliances, and stuff. Lots of stuff. A stipulation of the renter's agreement was to clear out all of the stuff in the back building and eventually tear the building down. Little did they know, that back building was an old fabric store. It was full of vintage fabrics, lace, yarn, thread, patterns, etc. You name it, we found it. And it's all straight from the 70's. So we have been selling vintage fabrics since January. And even though I honestly could not care less about the sewing world, some of the things we found are really cool. For example, DIY vintage clothing patterns, vintage patterned fabrics, vintage colors that you can't find today, and vintage lace. It really is cool to see how things change over time. Maybe the initial store will be open one day.

Like I said, my life is crazy! I sometimes wonder if my life would make a good television show. If so, I'd totally do it in a heartbeat! But seriously, do you know anyone else that has to deal with this kind of stuff? Because I sure don't.

So for now, I'm done with my ranting. I'll update you guys when some new and exciting or mildly depressing things happen in my life. It's after midnight here, so I'm gonna call it a night

Fear.

Why do we have fear? Why are we scared of things?

I'm terrified of spiders. Why? I don't know. I have no reason to be afraid of them. But they're terrifying to me. Nothing should have eight eyes and eight legs. But that's not the kind of fear that I am talking about. I mean more like fear of the unknown or failure.

I was absolutely terrified to move to another state. Why? Because I didn't know what was in store for me. But I did it because I wanted out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone had become a place of pure agony and misery. I hated myself. I used to like to be in my own little world and take part in nothing that was not of my world. I used to rely on people's opinions of me to mold me. Moving here changed everything. I no longer cared what people thought of me because I didn't know these people. I came here with a new attitude than I left Georgia with, an attitude that I once had and then lost. I came here with confidence. Where did this confidence come from? I don't know. But I'm very glad that it is back. Not only do I have my confidence back, I rarely ever stutter. That is an awesome feeling. (Anyone who stutters and stumbles through sentences on a daily basis knows how frustrating it can be.) 

Back to fear. I used to be terrified of my future. I used to dwell on the thoughts of failure. Failure will always be one of my biggest fears. But by moving here, I risked just that. But failure was never an option for me. I already had a job lined up when I moved here to prevent it. Why was I afraid of failing? I don't know. I've realized that even if I do fail, things can only go up from there. Failure, to me, would be rock bottom. Now that I think about it, failing wouldn't be so bad because I'd learn what not to do and things would only get better, right?

I've always had really bad anxiety. When my dad was killed when I was 8, I was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. At 17 I quit them cold turkey. (My parents were not thrilled. Ha.) I also stopped going to psychologist then. I wanted to know what life would be like without being medicated and numb to everything. I was so used to living that way that I was so scared for what was about to happen in my life. But as a couple months went by, I realized that nothing was actually worth being feared. It was probably my best decisions that I ever made. 

I'm starting to learn that fear is just psychological and spiritual and that nothing is truly worth fearing. People will stress over fear. I've done it. I know how it feels. Fear of the unknown is one of the most common fears there is. But why should I be afraid of something that I can't see? Or something that may or may not happen? Or something that I don't know anything about? It's dumb and it's irrational. Most fears are irrational. But some are legit fears. If you've ever been bitten by a dog, you might be afraid of dogs. That makes sense to me. My fear of spiders will never make sense to me. I've never been bitten by one. They just freak me out. (Dey iz scarey!) 

I might post another one like this later. I might make a second blog just for stuff like this. I don't know yet. But for now, I'm done. So, Peace out!

Up.

Up is the direction that my life is beginning to look. My life lately has been a mixture of "Keep Your Head Up" By Andy Grammer and "Help Me Find It" by Sidewalk Prophets. (Yes, my life can be better said through song lyrics. Weird? Maybe.) But for real, I'm starting to really love it here. Life is much simpler here. People are much less materialistic here. So, I feel much less pressured to keep up with the Joneses.

Even though I kinda enjoy working at JCPenney's, it doesn't pay well enough. So, I have been avidly looking for another job. I had an interview with Reed's Jewelers the other day. It went really well. It sounds very promising. I'm pretty excited about it and I'm really hoping that I get the position. So, please pray for me.

I'm starting to get involved with the church. I am stoked to be on a drama team again. Not only am I on it, people kind of look to me for direction. It's pretty awesome. Our first drama is to "The Anthem" by Jake Hamilton. It's a pretty awesome song and it will show who we are as a drama team. It's kind of a "this is what we stand for" song. So, it's perfect. I'm also debating on joining the praise team. But I feel like not enough people know me well enough for that to be okay yet. But I'm getting there, so maybe soon. Also, I was just asked to do puppets for children's church. I prayed that I would find a church that I could get involved with again. It really made me laugh that the three ministries I was so passionate about at my old church, I now have here. God really blessed me with these opportunities again.

So, all in all my life is going pretty well. Yes, I am absolutely broke. It really sucks. But it will be okay. I'm learning that money will never truly make you happy. But it will make life so much less stressful and much easier. Hopefully the job at Reed's will work out. Pray for me. Please. I know that things will work out in the end for me. Things always do. So, I'm not too worried. Haha.

A Mile In My Shoes.

I am very excited for the direction that my blog is now going. It now makes sense. It now has a purpose. 

"Where The Sidewalk Ends" was a great title, but it no longer made sense for the blog. The idea behind it was "Where the sidewalk ends, your adventure begins." And it was one of my favorite childhood books by Shel Silverstein. He was actually my favorite childhood author. So, I titled my blog after that book. But it no longer made sense for where I wanted the direction of the blog to go. My life had no longer was an adventure. It became a journey. A journey for what? What am I looking for? I don't know. I guess I'll know when I find it. Until then, I have no clue. 

"A Mile In My Shoes" is going to be more about my life and the journey that God is taking me on. Right now, I know no idea what my purpose is in life or where God is taking me. But I know that I'm ready for whatever he throws at me.

I even updated the look of the blog. I love minimalist and simple things. So, I found a graphic and a font and ran with it. I think it turned out pretty well. I'm happy with it. I think. (I'm never truly happy with anything I design. I'll probably change it later. But it works for now.) I hope you all enjoy reading about my journey though life. Let's see how crazy and awesome my life gets!

Back To Basics.

Have you ever felt like technology has become too necessary in today's society? I think about that all the time. Why can't we go outside an admire a tree without it ending up on instagram? I feel like that's not possible anymore. One of my friends posted a blog about simplifying your life. The topic had been on my heart for a while now. So, when she posted it, I kind of laughed because I felt the same way about it. Read it here.

But something really funny happened. I woke up this morning and decided to work toward getting off the internet so much. So, I went through some of my social networks on my laptop as I usually do in the morning. Then after I was done, I was determined to not be online as much today. I kid you not, once I got out of bed and my feet hit the floor, I grabbed my phone out of habit and noticed that the internet was down at our house. I was just on it! It made me laugh really hard.

One of the main reasons that I want to be off my phone more than I am is because I can see that it's becoming a habit of my niece and nephews. "Uncle Chad can I play with your phone?" Normally, I wouldn't mind someone using my phone. But it's become every time they see my phone. I'm not sure if it's damaging to them. But I think it's strange that all they want to do is play on phones all day. However, I'm the same way. So, This is a habit that needs to be broken for my sake and their's. What did I do while the internet was out? I went outside and played in the rain with the kids. Two things that I thoroughly enjoy, kids and rain. I even deleted my tumblr this morning. Anyone who knows me, knows that I love the internet. But I would spend hours of my time just mindlessly scrolling through my tumblr dashboard. That had to go. I am so tired of not doing things that I really want to do because of my addiction to the internet. It really is a problem. I even mindlessly check my phone. Even when I know that no one texts me or someone comments on something on one of my 16,461.6 social sites. I don't know why I do it? Am I checking the time? I don't know. I don't need to know what time it is every two minutes. It's habit, I guess. I hate it. I feel like I'm missing out on seeing awesome things because I'm constantly staring into my phone screen.

I was out with some friends last night. (Oh, I'm starting to meet new people! Woo hoo!) We went out to eat and then we went bowling. I noticed that no one was one their phone while at dinner. So, I tried to stay off of mine. It was hard to because I really didn't know two of the people well. I only knew my sister-in-law's littler sister. (I'm glad she invited me. I had a blast.) But it was hard to stay off of my phone because I was it was a little awkward. Why has being on my phone become my coping mechanism for awkward situations? I don't know. But then we went bowling. It was fun. (Granted, the bowling alley had just opened and it still has A LOT of things to fix. We had to swap lanes. And we had to call for help several times because the system was glitchy.) I really stayed off my phone and just had awesome conversations with people that I really didn't know. However, I did instagram my shoes. (They were velcro! It was funny to me!) But none-the-less, I was very proud that I kinda stayed off my phone. 

I still will never know how I became so dependent on my phone and the internet. Don't get me wrong, the internet and social media are needed and have their place and time. I just don't know how that place and time because everywhere and every waking second of my life. I know that I can get past the addiction. I just have to give it time and be patient with it because I know if I get frustrated, I'll just either cave in or break my phone or laptop. I need both of those things. I just feel like I'm missing out on so much life because of this.  

Frustrations.

I have never been an easily frustrated person. But today, I lost it. Let me explain. 

I just moved here about a week ago. My only friend so far is a frog that hopped away once I put him back down. I don't know anyone here yet. I hate not having friends. I also still don't know my way around well enough to explore. So use GPS, right? Wrong. I'm now on a family plan. So, we have to limit our data usage. Lame. I know. 

I have no dollars to my name at the moment. However, I do have a check waiting to clear the bank. Hopefully it will last me until my first pay check. One problem, I have no idea when my first day of work is. Almost a week of waiting after my interview JCPenny finally called me back to offer me a position in the Men's department. Naturally, I took it because I need a job and I know about men's clothing from working at Men's Wearhouse. The fact that I have a set amount of money to spend until my first paycheck is absolutely terrifying to me. I've never been without a job or money. 

But anyway, back to my story. Today at lunch I was so angry for no apparent reason at all. My brother and sister-in-law had to pay for my lunch. Which I was fine with until she told me how to dip my chips in the cheese dip. So, I sat there frustrated my entire lunch. It wasn't necessarily her that set me off, it was the fact that I had to share my food because I'm broke. I've never been at this level of poor before. I hate it. But it got much worse. My brother and sister-in-law got into an argument over something (who knows with these two). It reminded me of when mom and dad used to fight. It was uncomfortable and awkward. But for some unexplainable reason, I was also angry. It got to the point where I actually debated on flipping the table and walking out of the restaurant. I've never even thought about flipping a table before. But today, it crossed my mind three times. The third time, I just walked out because I knew if it crossed my mind again, I would have done it. So, I walked out and sat in the car and just sobbed for a good 30 minutes. Which is weird because I don't cry.

Until today, I never realized how much easier money made my life. I've never felt so stressed. I'm ready for this job to start and me to be back on track with things. 

I recently put all of my trust in God's hands. Sometimes I question what God is doing because I'm terrified. Absolutely scared out of my mind for what my future holds. I know that he has a bigger plan for my life than I have. I'm just not seeing it right now. It's so frustrating.