Confusion & Convictions

Have you ever felt like you don't know where to turn in life? That's where I am now. I'm constantly stressed out. I feel like I have completely lost my relationship with God. I'm always wondering about my future. And my past is haunting me. This sucks.

I stress out way more than anyone. But I'm such a calm person that no one would ever know unless they asked me. I've been stressing out over anything and everything like buying a car, getting a new job, trying to keep my current job going, trying to maintain a relationship with my family and with Taylor, trying to find time to help around the house. Everything. I also stress out over stupid petty things. It's all so hard.

I feel like God is pretty much non-existant in my life right now. This is probably the most lost I have ever been. But instead of trying to fix my relationship with Him, I decided to be selfish can continue doing what I was doing. Worst. Decision. Ever. Now, I'm confused and don't know which way to turn. I slid so far back that I've forgotten how to have a relationship with Him. Two weeks ago, I was the first down at the alter in church. This has never happened because I usually feel judged. But that day, I did not care would saw. I went. I felt so much better when I got up. I felt a peace that I haven't felt in a while. But a few days later, my demons returned and they decided to bring me down and steal my joy. And I let them. And now I'm here writing about how lost I am.

I sometimes wonder about my future. I've always felt like there was an imaginary timeline that I had to follow. You know the "People expected me to do this at this point in my life" timeline. Or I expected the same things. I'm not sure. But I do know that I'm 24 and not married, I still haven't graduated college yet, and I still don't have a place of my own. I feel so far behind.

My past has been rearing it's ugly head lately. Little does a few people know, I have a past I'm not proud of. A past that includes sex, alcohol, and a few tame drugs. All of this started about the time I turned 16. Then by the time I was 19, I was getting wasted in bars with people I thought were friends who later turned the backs to me. But that's a different story for a different day. But it didn't stop then. I continued. When I was 22, I got so drunk that I didn't remember my name or where I was. I just know I was in a bar. It was horrible and I hope I never do that again. Drugs haven't really been a probably for me in the past few years. But sex, it's reared it's ugly head in the past few years. I lost my virginity at a relatively young age to someone I never should have. I've never really had sex since then, I've messed around with people but never full on sex since then. But within the past few years porn, conversations, and fantasizing have been my best friends. Which is horrible. I'm not wanting to have sex again before marriage unless I know they're the right person. I just want it all to stop. But some some reason, I always give into my demons and continue. I wish I knew how to quit. But I don't. This is not who I am and I won't become it.

Pretty much it all boils down to, I hate myself. And I don't know how to fix it. I also hate that I don't know what to do. I feel like I've lost God and my past won't leave me alone. My relationship with my family and Taylor are both crumbling because I don't like myself so I unintentionally shut out people that love and care for me. I don't mean to. It just happens. I need to stop doing that. We accept the love we think we deserve. And I don't love myself enough right now to let anyone else love me. Which is very unfair to others.

So, if you pray. Please put me on your list. Please. I need all the prayers I can get.

This is not a plea for help. I'm not doing anything drastic to endanger myself or the well-being of others. I just need prayers and to rekindle to flame that I once had with God so that I can get myself together.